Pain In The Neck

I know what you're thinking, and I'll tell you exactly how my night as a camping widow went.

Bleh. It went BLEH.

I went to the dance show (most fun! Ellery went out of her way to share 4 m&m's with me. Her mom tells me that was actually a generous helping. Ugh she's a cute kid! I remember when she was knee-high to a grasshopper! What is she now, 6??? Moving on...) and had every intention of going home and watching "P.S. I love you" and crying myself to sleep (I just finished the book, and really I can't tell you which I like better because they're both amazing but both completely different in the way that the "Jurassic Park" movie and book are different?) but then I somehow invited myself over to my friend's house to watch it with her.
So, look, I'm standing there in her kitchen, holding my bowl of ice cream and chatting with her. I wasn't even MOVING. The only movement going on in my body was my lungs and heart doing their respective jobs, when I felt the pinch in my neck.
My neck and I have been on the outs for a couple of years. Two years ago, I was brushing my teeth when I felt something pop and then pain that I can only compare to the time a scorpion stung me spread through my entire neck. (oh please can I tell you about the time a scorpion stung me? Bizarre. BIZARRE. I was 17? and it was summertime. On a Tuesday, my mom had been out picking around her tomato plants, when she came inside and immediately started freaking out because she felt a horrible stinging pain on her back. She went into her room and threw off her shirt thinking there was a bee or something in it. My dad looked all over but couldn't find anything. Fast forward to the following Friday, I go into my parents' room and get my skirt out of my mom's closet doorway. It had been hanging there drying for the better part of all week and I don't know why it took me so long to retrieve it... Then I walk down the hall, with the skirt over my arm, and I feel the worst stinging pain I've ever felt spread down my arm. I put my skirt down and start freaking out, so my mom puts some medicine on my arm. I pick my skirt back up and throw it on the ground while screaming because there was an ugly little scorpion on the waist. Know how it got there? It got on my mom's back when she was in the tomatoes, and then when she ripped her shirt off, it flew through the air and landed on my skirt and there it stayed. How random is that??? I'm having sympathy pains for myself in my arm now... Ew! So tingly!! This was a really long side thought, huh?) 
Initially, I was told my neck issue was whiplash (even though I hadn't done anything to cause it?) and a few months later I was told it was probably a bone spur.

Back to my friend's kitchen. I felt this pinch in the center of the back of my neck, and I knew this one was going to be bad. See, it pops up every few months or so and gives me a stiff neck or a sore neck for a day or so and then moves on. It hadn't felt this bad though, not even the first time it happened.
Despite realizing that it was going to be really painful in a couple of hours, I stayed and watched the movie (People! Gerard Butler! Irish Accent!) and then went home for a most splendid night of sleep (don't they need a font that is just for sarcasm?).
Saturday morning it was a bajillion times worse, so I called my mom crying. That's what you do, right? Except crying made it hurt worse.

Listen to me when I tell you this:
You use muscles in your neck for pretty much everything you do, except you don't realize it until they are in vast amounts of pain.

Breathing hurt, crying hurt, chewing food hurt. I don't even want to tell you how fun brushing my teeth was, especially when it came to spitting out the toothpaste and I couldn't really lean over to spit over the sink.
Isn't that a great visual?

The Academy Award for Awesome Mother-In-Law goes to mine. While our husbands were out playing Little House on the Prairie, she came and picked me up and took me to urgent care. I proceeded to have funny x-rays taken (one of them I had to hold my mouth wide open, I felt like I was auditioning for some silent musical) and then I was told there really wasn't anything noticeable in the results. I DID learn that everyone has some amount of arthritis at the base of their neck though? Oh! Also! MOST people's necks have bones that curve, but mine are a straight line? And also, my shoulder muscles were tightened up but I did not need an x-ray to tell me that. You pretty much tighten everything in your upper body to keep any movement from happening in your neck when this kind of situation comes knocking at your door.
The bottom line is, I have to start physical therapy to, hopefully, prevent this from happening in the future.
After seeing the doctor, Mike's mom took me to get my prescription for muscle relaxers (Something as strong as Vasnik, I would assume? Good bye Sandi, see you next Thursday) and then took me to her place and made me a most delicious sandwich while I alternated hot and cold on my neck until the men came home from the wild and she turned me over to Mike (he took great care of his poor, handicapped wife. He got me chips and queso, need I say more?).

So, the bottom line is, I spent all weekend feeling like I was wearing a Regina George* type body brace (minus the flowers), and going in and out of consciousness.

I want to thank my whacked out spine, my mother-in-law, the Academy, and Aleve for making this weekend everything it was and so much more.

In conclusion, I would like to be Meryl Streep when I grow up.
Isn't she the most lovely?

ALSO! My official favorite picture of all time, ever, of my boys:

He's such a sexy beast. Mike, not Pete. Pete is a cute, little beast.
I'm glad they had fun out there together <3

"And none for Gretchen Wieners."